Facts about S/M
S/M is not an aberration. S/M is a sexual orientation that is found in a percentage of the population. Surveys have listed S/M behavior by as much as 7 to 14% of the population, with interests at up to 50% of the population. To see the prevalence, just look at the public's interest in movies, books, and other artistic expressions with S/M as the dominant them. After all, Hollywood would not invest money if there was not a large interest. Historically, S/M behavior was listed as a psychological problem, as was masturbation and homosexuality. Today, however, these various orientations are not considered a problem unless the person with the love map is unhappy about their interests.
•S/M is not new. S/M activities have been performed by many religions and cultures. Early Christian mystics used it (flails and hair shirts, oh my.) Native Americans continue to use it for vision quests. Fakirs from India use it. That same energy can be used for spiritual journeys, sexual ecstasy, or personal bliss.
•S/M is not fetishism. Fetishism substitutes an object for relationship. S/M can very much involve relationship. In fact, because of the requirements for trust and good communication, to even participate in S/M with another calls for the development of good relationship skills.
•S/M is erotic psychodrama. The exchange of power in S/M is a framework for risk taking and for trusting. The shared reality created by S/M gives the participants the permission to explore their erotic fantasies. S/M has often been referred to as high-tech sex. The experience is incomparable.
•S/M does not feel like what it looks like. In the model of the popular press, the dominant or sadist does as he/she wishes, without regard to the needs of the submissive or masochist. In practice, it is the submissive or masochist that has the final say. PEP teaches the needs for good communications up front, the use of "safe" words that will stop the action if the submissive ever feels the event is not working, and a time of communications after the event so that both parties can learn and so that the next time will be even better.
•S/M is not especially dangerous. Some S/M activities are more athletic than others. For more strenuous activities the individuals should be in good physical shape, just as for any other sport. For most S/M activities the players must know what they are doing. The shared education and experience of other players can be invaluable.
•S/M is not sexist. Sexism tries to impose dominant-submissive roles according to gender. In S/M roles are chosen according to our inner feelings. S/M is honest, shared eroticism which includes men and women who prefer either or both roles.
• Sometimes S/M is done in a brief scene with a stranger. Sometimes it is a full time relationship. Usually S/M is done in negotiated episodes (or scenes) between people who know and like one another.
•S/M is not repressed anger or covert hatred. Actually it is impossible to do good S/M with someone you do not like.
•S/M takes a lot of energy, preparation, time, and attention. Most practitioners do a lot more of "vanilla" (i.e. non S/M) sex than they do S/M.
•S/M is as much an attitude as it is action. When traveling, the dominant may wish to drive the car in order to be in control and express their power; or the submissive may wish to drive the car as an expression of taking care of their dominant. Who's in charge is far from obvious. It is a dance involving both parties.
•S/M people come from all walks of life. Some from abusive backgrounds and practicing S/M can be part of their healing. Some come from healthy families and are looking for self fulfillment. Some identify as "lifers". having S/M fantasies from their earliest memories. Still others are new to the concept and felt a connection when they tried it. S/M people come from all genders and orientations. As a result, S/M groups have been on the forefront of establishing common ground between heterosexuals, gays, lesbians
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What is S/M?
S/M takes many forms. For some it is all about Dominance and Submission. D & S may not require any props. The activity may be in the form of a word or a look. For others, restriction of movement (bondage) is involved. The person on Top gets to express power and control: "I've got you now, my beauty!" The person on Bottom gets to let go and experience: "I couldn't do anything about it. I just had to lay there and enjoy the pleasure." Still others are into the intensity, the rush of the endorphins triggered by the whip or other stimuli. These people are feeling the same exhilaration as people who sky dive or mountain climb or drive race cars, except they may chose to take that exhilaration and feelings into the sexual arena. Still others get the rush through embarrassment or humiliation. Each person has their own love map. Good relationships have always been about having it work for both parties.
•SM is watching the neighborhood kids play cops and robbers, and the look on the face of the one that has maneuvered herself into being the victim - all tied up and the center of attention.
•SM is when the belt hits, first it stings like hell, then it's warm.
•SM is the doctor from out of state that you keep tied up in a cage all weekend, and you invite your friends to see.
•SM is your slave holding his hair out of the way without being told, as you put on his collar.
•SM is the quiet typist by day who turns into a whip-wielding Mistress by night in the professional house of dominance.
•SM is the sweat, and wondering if you're going to pass out, and finally letting go.
•SM is a pair of tiny gold handcuffs on an expensive dress at the symphony.
•SM is the Story of O, when you've been there, too.
•SM is putting in an ad, and get 55 responses the first week.
•SM is screaming "THAT'S ONE MISS! THANK YOU MISS!" at the top of your lungs.
•SM is the gratitude, all your life, to the person who brought you out.
•SM is trying to explain the massive frame and eye bolts to your landlady.
•SM is finding the perfect pair of boots.
•SM is your new slave, blindfolded, masturbating, and telling his secret fantasies, while you watch and listen to every marvelous detail.
•SM is falling asleep with your hands and feet bound - and the dreams.
•SM is the gal at the party who asks if she can try on your handcuffs.
•SM is the proud African youth in National Geographic, with a skewer through his cheeks, and knowing that you both know what you know.
•SM is how hot his ass feels when you caress the welts.
•SM is putting up with a picky uncertain submissive, new-novice, who doesn't know how to say what he wants to say; but finally he gets down to it, and takes your breath away with the magnificent totality of her submission.
•SM is all the people explaining why SM is so bad, knowing nothing about it, and you want to giggle, because they're so serious.
•SM is the perfume of sweaty leather.
•SM is your fifth anniversary, and all your friends hold and cuddle you while your lover has a professional piercer put a gold ring through your labia. Afterwards she holds you, and you'd do anything for her.
•SM is the uniform in your closet, waiting for Saturday night.
•SM is being absentminded at work on Monday.
•SM is being taken downstairs blindfolded and handcuffed. After you're stripped and tied up, the blindfold comes off, and you see it's soundproof...
•SM is hurting the one you love, just exactly right.
•SM is wondering what your co-executives would say if they knew about the welts and the sticky panties underneath your conservative suit.
•SM is wishing you could afford everything at the SM shop.
•SM is seeing a branding, done right, and marveling "how easy!"
•SM is how good your nipples feel when the clamps are perfect; and then the little bite more, and how your nipples adjust to accept that too.
•SM is the humiliation of discovering that your new slave is far more experienced than you are.
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What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for the following list of things:
• Bondage • Discipline • Submission • Sadism • Masochism
Some brief definitions of each of these terms are:
• Bondage, Restraining someone. Could be tying them down to something. Could be just binding their wrists together with silk scarves.
• Discipline, Often refers to spanking and/or corporal punishment.
• Dominance, Someone being "in control."
• Submission, Someone relinquishing "control".
• Sadism, Enjoying causing another person pain.
• Masochism, Enjoying being caused pain.
• Top, The person who is doing things to someone. Top is often associated with a pain giver, but not always.
• Bottom, The person who is having things done to them. Bottom is often associated with a pain receiver, but not always.
• There are also "switches". A switch is a person who is not always dominant or submissive, but instead is one sometimes, and is another other times. Switches of both sexes are fairly common, but don't often switch within one relationship. Instead, they often have partners they are dominant with, and partners they are submissive with.
For all of this, the motto Safe, Sane, Consensual is emphasized. BDSM is not about abuse. It's about people doing things to other people, and everyone involved wanting to be involved, and hopefully everyone enjoying themselves!
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